Ora, lege, lege, lege, relege, labora et invenies
This entry was written by , posted on 02/24/2010 at 05:22, filed under knowledge of self, Uncategorized. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.
[soundcloud url="http://soundcloud.com/logicmarselis/cheaters-1"]
http://www.mediafire.com/?dwjjmmgoion
This entry was written by , posted on 02/22/2010 at 14:14, filed under mixtapes/podcasts and tagged djshermski, stephen hicks. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.
spotted at The Beautiful Struggle
This entry was written by , posted on 02/21/2010 at 23:28, filed under tributes and tagged R.I.P. Malcolm X (El-Hajj Malik El-Shabazz). Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.
This entry was written by , posted on 02/20/2010 at 01:59, filed under film and tagged J. Dilla. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.
May 30, 1974 – February 15, 1999
This entry was written by , posted on 02/15/2010 at 17:20, filed under tributes and tagged 98 Freestyle, Big L, Put It On. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.
photo by BlkAngelz
This entry was written by , posted on at 04:33, filed under Art and tagged tesla. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.
This entry was written by , posted on 02/11/2010 at 14:14, filed under mixtapes/podcasts and tagged djshermski, Heartbreaks & Breakbeats II, stephen hicks. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.
This entry was written by , posted on 02/10/2010 at 00:07, filed under tributes and tagged J. Dilla. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.
This entry was written by , posted on 02/09/2010 at 21:32, filed under knowledge of self. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.
This entry was written by , posted on at 20:10, filed under film and tagged karriem riggins, madlib. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.
This entry was written by , posted on at 19:58, filed under beyond and beyond, Uncategorized. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.
“everybody is going to make it this time”
(c) george clinton and bernie worrell
Like most adolescent boys, I went through puberty at 13 or 14;
however, unlike most of those boys, I did not experience healthy
emotional development until now at 24. As long as I can remember,
emotions were to be shunned. Better yet, emotion and logic existed in
an either/or vacuum. Eventually, I perceived emotions as weak and
unbecoming, even unmanly.
I grew emotionally cold. I was selfish, self-centered, furtive,
egotistical, insecure, stubborn, and a bevy of unflattering tags. And
if I was not throwing a pity party somewhere, I’d walk away from
people in a “let you die breathing” fashion. This was my winning
defense mechanism.
Au contraire! Recently, I experienced an epiphany of sorts. I decided
that I no longer wanted to be void of emotional feeling. First, I
grappled with one of my biggest fears, vulnerability. Being in touch
with my emotions and going further by conveying those feelings toward
people would definitely supply ample opportunity to disappointment.
And after being hurt once or twice in my young life, I built up a
protective wall of Jericho proportions and called it survival.
In the past weeks, I did a lot of thinking and reevaluating. I noticed
many of my issues originate from my earliest years and exacerbated
with delay. My parents’ divorce struck a heavy blow to my trust
issues. When my parents decided to call it quits, I didn’t suspect one
of my parents calling it quits on the little league games, school
field trips, and barbershop visits. I was 10. I was devastated and
crushed by the abrupt life change. Outside a few 6th grade English
papers and counseling, I made no effort in resolving my issues. I
preferred hiding behind masks of humor, music, and anything plausible,
creating that cliché snowball effect.
My timidness in combating my issues hindered happiness, soured
relationships, and blinded me to opportunities. An emotion such as
love was weak and unrealistic, even built upon an unhealthy dependence
on another person, especially romantic love. And other forms of love
were avoided too. Steve Hicks refused to love anybody or anything,
even himself. And with the aforementioned epiphany, I decided to put
an end to my cold and distant ways and accept that I have emotions and
the capacity to love. I wrote letters, sent emails, and left
voicemails letting those folks dear to me know how I felt about them
in the most descriptive words. I was toppling my bullshit wall of
anger, bitterness, and resentment to say, “I love you.” Those words
would not be uttered six months ago unless I was zoning to a Minnie
Riperton or Billy Paul song. That fear of vulnerability was preventing
me from heartbreak but also from the great joys of life.
I reached out to my dad, as well, and told him that I loved him. He
replied with a similar sentiment. He flew me out to Indiana for the
weekend. Since my parents’ divorce, I talked with my dad on the phone
periodically but I hadn’t kicked it with my pops for more than two
hours face-to-face since 1996. There were hurt feelings lying below my
nonchalant demeanor. I looked at him in the eye and told him the past
was gone and I wanted to pursue a strong father-son relationship for
the future. That moment, subtly, was a giant step.
This feeling is incredible. Quite refreshing. I don’t want to be that
angry guy anymore. And as I told my grandfather on Christmas, I don’t
want to become that grumpy old man in my mid-twenties. I want to open
myself up to the wonders of life. I’ve learned that fearing
vulnerability made me more vulnerable. I confused pessimism with
realism and allowed myself to grow negative, but I take full
responsibility for my attitude. I want to be happy and grateful. I
want a better relationship with my brother. I don’t want to throw any
more pity parties. I want to give more of myself to the world. I want
to express love openly. I apologize to all of those poor souls who
were witnesses to my Angry Black Man tirades.
Two of my historical heroes are W.E.B. DuBois and Malcolm X, not
exclusively for their ideologies but for their courage to change. They
fiercely fought for their convictions even when their ideas veered
from the popular groupthink. I want to evolve like those men. And for
those people erudite in American popular culture, I resembled Andrew
Largeman in “Garden State” or Ryan Bingham in “Up in the Air.” People
can change. Growth is one of life’s contradictions. I have no qualms.
So if I was boisterous with my anti-love, screw emotion message, I
want to be boisterous with my message of love, compassion, and
forgiveness.
Thank you for reading.
Enjoy these songs: http://www.zshare.net/download/717626304351d047/
This entry was written by , posted on 02/01/2010 at 01:58, filed under optimistic outlooks and tagged stephen hicks. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.
